Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Excuse me, sir, your asshat is showing.

I'm driving home from work today, along a pretty well traveled road, when a cop motions for me to roll down my window so he can speak to me. Nevermind the fact that we're slowing to a complete stop due to the red light. Christ.....here we go.......

Seemingly confused cop: "Do you know how fast you were going?" (Uh...when? Because 10 minutes ago I was going a whopping 20 due to traffic, and now I'm sittin' at a super speedy 0 mph)
Definitely perplexed me: "No, sir, I don't. How fast was I going?"
Smartass cop: "Fast enough! You were going fast enough!" (Thanks, asshat, for clarifying that one for me. Your intellectual capacity is astounding.)
A now agitated me: "Interesting. Well, I'm sorry. I was keeping up with the flow of traffic." (you fuckwit piece of trash)
Fuckwit cop: "You weren't keeping up with traffic. You were trying to overtake that truck in front of you." (Overtake? Really?!? I am embarrassed FOR you.)
A near speechless me at the realization this guy probably doesn't even know who our President is: "Ok........" (At this point, I'm waiting for him to officially pull me over and arrest me. Grounds? Going fast enough......clearly.)
This royal gem finally goes into his tirade I was fully expecting at the onset of his ego trip: "....and you don't need to know how fast you were going! I'll tell you how fast you were going, because that's my job! My job is to police these roads to make sure they are safe and your job is to sit there!"
I've now had it: "Sir, how fast was I going?"
Fuckwit cop: "You were going fast enough! Any questions?" (Oh for fuck sake! Who's on first?)
Hoping this means I can start driving again, now that I've missed approximately 4 cycles of green lights. Did I mention I was in rush hour traffic?: "Right. Definitely no questions."
Fuckwit cop: "I better not catch you speeding. I'll pull you over and give you a ticket next time!"
Genuinely hoping he just stops talking soon: "I don't doubt it. Have a nice day" (and you better believe I sped off....ok, only 10 feet because I, of course, caught another fucking red light....thanks asshat. Much appreciated. Really.)

My monthly fuckwit quota has officially been filled, and it's only the 13th of September. Now, how about that!