Dating 101

We've all been on dates.....good dates, bad dates, and then those dates that make you ponder why you didn't just stay home with a pizza and a movie rental instead. Maybe some of my dates had an off night. Maybe they didn't know any better.....or maybe, just maybe, they needed someone to give them blunt, uncomfortably honest, dating tips. I'm not saying girls are completely blameless. There are hundreds of movies and TV shows that reflect otherwise. I, however, do not go on dates with girls....so I can only speak to dating guys, and therefore can only provide said tips to the male persuasion. Sorry girls.

Gentlemen, do NOT repeat the following behaviors. Please note, these are in no particular order of importance:

1) While we are out to dinner with my friends, do not make anti-child comments such as "wow you have 2 kids? That's an investment you won't ever get a return on....well for at least 18 years I'm guessing". You already know my friends have kids and you saying this makes them feel awkward, makes you look like an idiot, and makes me wonder why I invited you in the first place.

2) Try to resist the urge to chew with your mouth open or burp at the table. It's disgusting and it makes me wonder if you lied about being raised in an upscale neighborhood and were actually, in fact, raised in a barn.

3) Do not invite me out to dinner and then at the very end when you ask for the bill, look at me and ask if we are splitting it, citing that I make more than you so it's only fair. Really?!?! Sooooo just so we're clear....YOU invite ME out. YOU pick the swanky restaurant, and now YOU can't afford to pay? Would you have still asked me to split the bill had we gone to Chili's? Because trust me.....I would still have dodged your calls. If you invite a girl to dinner, you pay....the whole bill. I thought everyone knew this one??

4) When we are at a bar, dancing with other friends, do not pull me away from my friends with the claim "you've been dancing with them long enough". This will not bode well for you, as I will laugh at your heinous dancing attempts, then go back to dancing with my friends shortly thereafter.

5) Do not pressure me to drink on our date. I will request we sit at the bar, make friends with the bartender, and I'll be secretly drinking diet soda while you're drinking a double on the rocks with each round. You'll get hammered, hopefully get sick, and I'll leave with another guy who can clearly hold his liquor better than you. Peer pressure...it will NOT be your best friend, I assure you.

6) Do not brag about getting valet parking the entire night, please. We met at Tysons Corner mall, where there are several parking garages, and clearly there is ample parking. You're not classy, you're just stupid. Thanks for playing.

7) Do not make me wait for you to primp for our date. You're a guy. You should be spending way less time on your hair than I do. If this is not the case, we've got more issues than you getting a second date out of me.

8) Do not call me, text me, email me, gchat me, facebook me, and instant message me within one day. Yes, that is 6 attempts at communication. This not only renders me no longer interested and officially scared off from responding again......it makes me seriously consider getting a restraining order.

9) Do not proposition me for sex on a first date...and when I turn you down and give you a look like you've completely lost your mind, do not then proceed to make fun of me and compare me to a middle schooler...as in "Oh c'mon it's not like we're in middle school!" Do I REALLY need to elaborate with this one???

10) Do not call me man or dude when you interact with me. I am not your man. I am not your dude. The last time I checked, I had boobs and a vagina. When we are discussing something and you address me as man or dude, it makes me wonder if you are gay, stupid, or a not so fabulous combination of gay and stupid. Just saying.