Kidnapping a la Ulta

So I think I am going to get sushi. I think I am going to finally eat something today (i.e. stuff my face) then go home and run. Little do I know my friend has other plans.

"Oh my Goooooooooooood there is an Ulta right near here!!!" (delivered in a high pitched, very excited tone)

"A what??" (oh fuck.....)

"An Ulta!!! We are so going there after this! I need a new .....um....you'll see....it's a surprise!" (her vocals now resemble that of a cartoon character)

"What the hell is this? You need a new what? Is this some kind of container store? Jesus...." (fuck fuck fuck)

She drove. I have no choice in the matter. I am essentially being kidnapped, and driven down the street to this store. We get there, and it is NOT a container store....but the fucking mecca of womanly products. The only stuff they didn't have? Um....tampons. I think. Could have used some of those.....but anywho...the rest of this stuff?

Ok...who really needs a $179 flat iron? How about a $300 wet-to-dry one? No? Anyone? Does anyone seriously pay $57 for an extremely modest bottle of shampoo? Screw that....my grocery store hair supplies work just fine, thanks.

How about the 1 oz bottle of dry shampoo for $10. Yes....1 oz for $10. Are you fucking kidding me? Ok....well we find a cheaper brand and I end up buying that...but it's dry shampoo. C'mon. I mean after seeing Heidi Montag shamelessly plug that shit on that I'm a Fuckwit in a Rainforest, Get Me Outta Here show....I know I have to try this stuff once I see it.

The rest of this stuff in the store....let's just say I feel like less of a woman for not getting hyperactively orgasmic about all of the things on display. The 347 colors of nail polish. The different kinds of $200 ointments and creams for wrinkles, eye puffiness, dark circles, cellulite, and all the other "I hate myself when I look in the mirror so this should do the trick" solutions on the shelf. This is extremely overwhelming.

There is, however, one other item I see that I genuinely do need. Ok look....I have naturally curly hair. I have not yet embraced this. I choose to straighten it everyday. Don't judge. Well, because I've been straightening it for....hell.....it's been YEARS.....I clearly need to upgrade my falt iron to something that doesn't look like it came from the Flintstones era. Seriously...my friend definitely comments that my flat iron looks like it was manufactured before she was born. She might be right. Slightly embarrassing, right?

Ok so we're about to head to the registers.....ok well...I am. My friend is STILL looking for more items to purchase. She might have a serious problem with this place. Is there an Ulta support group open anywhere? She may require this....

Dawn's total purchase amount = $47.26

Dawn's friend's total purchase amount = $70.44

The woman asks me if I want one of those frequent shopper cards. Evidently, you get discounts and whatnot on things....for every $50 or $100 you spend, you get a free lipstick or something....a free box of tampons maybe.....oh wait. No. They don't sell those. FAIL.

Ok ok...I'm sure you're wondering about this dry shampoo fad. Well, of course, I try it as soon as I get home and I am now a believer. It actually works. There is no need, however, to buy the "I need to be a trust fund baby to afford this" crap...the cheap stuff works just fine ladies and gents! Just saying.

Jersey Shore hair: Not just a fad, but a failure

We've all seen the infamous cast mates of The Jersey Shore. No? Live that sheltered life under a rock? Ok, turn on MTV and you might find a reality show about a group of young twenty somethings staying in a beach house on the Jersey shore.

This future of America...oh boy are they train wrecks. From the trasherrific clothing they wear to the heinous things they say to the way they wear their hair. It even comes equipped with names. Yes, they have come up with names of things they do (GTL anyone??)....and the hair is no exception.

Ladies first! "The Poof" - This is done by taking a section of your hair and creating a bump in front of your head. Not a subtle one, either. The more dramatic the better. This way no one will think twice before assuming you are trying to bring a hairdo back from the 90's, and quite unsuccessfully at that. Please note ladies, just because you see some dumb slut doing it on TV, it doesn't give you license to practice this on your own hair. Ok ok....Halloween is an exception. I'll give you Halloween. And only if you're trying to perfect that Snookie costume. Don't forget to include the whining while you're at it. It clearly worked wonders for her. If your outing doesn't fall on October 31st or a party affiliated with said holiday, however, then just refrain please. You look fucking ridiculous and no one has the heart to tell you. Trust me.

Male version of douche bag fashion! "The Blowout" - This is done by growing your hair out a little bit then literally blow drying your hair in such a way that it sticks up everywhere. You may even use hair gel to get it to stick out everywhere, as seen in the photo I have provided. This unsuspecting Pauly D understudy shown in the photo to the left (iPhone came through once again!) did a fabulous job with his blowout. By fabulous, I mean this idiot managed to get his hair to look somewhat like a helmet with all the hair gel he used. If this doesn't get the panties dropping, perhaps the double ear piercings might? Seriously, who thinks this is a good look? Anybody? Bueller?? Bueller?? Didn't think so.

So, to recap, if you choose to follow a reality TV show and the infamous fads they've created, perhaps you should consult your hair stylist first. I pray that your stylist, at the very least, can be honest with you and ensure you don't end up looking like you belong on Tool Academy. Just saying.