Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Where was Justin Timberlake for MY wardrobe malfunction???

It's a gorgeous day outside. Clear blue skies. The sun is shining and the pool is beckoning. On top of it all, I have already secured a fabulous raft for only $5. Best. Investment. Ever.

My friends and I inflate said raft and take it for a test drive in the pool. My neighbor decides he wants to play with it too. After flipping me over, he steals it. Naturally, being the spiteful bitch I am, I decide I'm going to flip him over....only I can't do so unless I swim underneath the damn thing and jump up to flip him over. Ohhhhhhh, I've totally got this in the bag.

My neighbor had invited this super cute coworker of his, who of course is watching the whole time and is on board with me getting my revenge. So there I go....diving underneath to follow thru with my vengeful plot. Little do I know, my bikini bottoms have other plans. They are the type that tie on both sides.....and then evidently don't stay tied.....right. Let's discuss how it feels to be bottomless and essentially skinny dipping in a public the middle of the day....with friends, strangers, and yes....little children around to bear witness to the mother of all wardrobe malfunctions. Fucking perfect.

In hindsight, I probably should have been as quiet as possible when getting my girlfriend's attention to come help me tie my bottoms back on my ass. I probably shouldn't have been flailing my arms about in attempts to cover myself with free appendages. But seriously.....what the fuck would you do??!?!!? Well, I'll tell you what I do....I scream, curse, and then proceed to screech in a very high pitched tone, "Candace come heeeeeeeeeeeeeere!!!!!!!!!"

Everyone is laughing too hard for anyone to immediately come to my rescue. Asshats. My friend finally comes and helps this very, very naked girl tie her bottoms back on...thanks friend. Thanks a heap. I then look around, and the lifeguards are laughing hysterically while everyone else seems to be emulating the awkward deer caught in headlights look combined with the crickets chirping silence as well. Swell. I suppose I shouldn't be that surprised by the reaction. Had I seen some stranger's naked ass with bikini bottoms in hand, all the while screaming her fucking head off.....I'd be a little shaken up too.

Truth be told, I'm still waiting for the police to come to my door on grounds of indecent exposure, public nudity, drunk in public, or to otherwise peg me as a flasher Franny. So far so good. If anyone is able to locate my dignity, however, please alert me at once. Thank you, kindly.

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