They bowl. I judge. It works.

I don't know how to break this to you, but I don't bowl. I don't like to bowl, and I enjoy being in bowling alleys even less.....so imagine my surprise when I am invited to go bowling and drink with a small group of friends....and I accept this invitation. I figure, what do a few hours out hurt....and the promise of hot man candy to gawk at doesn't hurt either. So I go, with absolutely no intention of bowling. Evidently, the person in charge of planning this whole night neglected to check about leagues and such, so we must now wait in the bar area. Fine with me.....vodka soda with 2 lemons please. Apparently my drink order makes me stick out like a sore thumb, as everyone else is consuming mass quantities of beer. Well, I don't like beer. I'm a liquor and wine girl, and I absolutely refuse to order a glass of wine in a bowling alley. So liquor it is.

The wait is over and it's now time to head to the lanes. Thank you Jesus. There is a group who is definitely there to bowl, and then there is a smaller group of us who are there to....well, sample the spirits of the fine establishment. We are chatting amongst ourselves when I see someone in a red shirt walk by a few times and look at me......Oh my God I know that guy. We both realize that we know each other (well I'm guessing he realized this before I did) so I just blurt out "ok where do I know you from? Or is it more where do I hate you from? Help me out here?" He tells me we used to work together years ago.....then it hits me. Chili's when I was in grad school years ago. So then my mind starts wandering....or judging, as it were. He goes from being a server at Chili's.....to working at a bowling alley. Does anyone else find this rather odd? I'm not suggesting that a serving position at Chili's is the least bit prestigious, but I'm sure you can sense where I'm going with this. I go up to the concession stand to order some food (shocker, I know) and here comes Mr. Chili's. He initiates conversation and I waste no time in asking him what happened to his former job. He explains that he wanted to be in management. Hmmmmmmm. Server at Chili's vs. Manager at a bowling alley. Is this a lateral move or.......? I'm at a loss. Either way, he decides he's going to comp our food I just ordered, which was really nice of him so I thank him, naturally. While he's telling the employee behind the bar to comp our food, I can't help but notice the guy's name tag. The employee is Hispanic, and his name is German. Yup, German. I'll leave the over analysis to you on that one.

Our food arrives, and however questionable it appears....I, of course, eat it anyway. I am paying for this life decision today, but nevermind that. While we are devouring our pseudo chili nachos and french fries, I immediately notice the arrival of some new lane neighbors. They bear a slight resemblance to some cast members from a new MTV reality show. The Jersey Shore....maybe you've heard of it. They walk over to the neighboring lane, with drinks already in hand. I believe they also possess their own bowling balls. Clearly this is not their first time. The Situation's understudy is wearing jeans and a t-shirt that appears to be a tad too snug for his body type, and then there is the hat cocked sideways....because would you really expect anything less from The Situation? Snooki's stand-in is wearing leggings with Ed Hardy written down the side of the legs. Really....Ed Hardy??? I had my iPhone with me at the time (it always serves me well).......I will attempt to post the photo of this shortly. It is truly amazing.

So what have I learned from last night, you ask? Well, a few things.....

1) Don't trust your friends when they promise you hot man candy only to lure you out with them. It's a trap and the hot man candy that is promised could end up being a guy that is already engaged with a 2 month old infant. Seriously. Don't fall for it.
2) Don't ever frequent bowling alleys. Ever. And if you must partake in bowling activity, stick to Wii bowling in the comfort of your own home. It's way less....traumatic?
3) Always be nice to your co-workers, as you never know where your paths might cross again. You could be hungry and they could manage a bowling alley and give you free food for your kindness. This is huge.
4) Always always always bring your iPhone with you, wherever you go. And please remember to charge it beforehand. You never know what kind of treasures you will want to document for later use. Just saying.

Get a clue, Laptop Mafia. Or maybe google it.

It's around 10:30pm and my friend's band is playing. Everyone's having a great time...singing, dancing, drinking...you know the drill. Well, you might know the drill, but the gentlemen that arrived shortly thereafter clearly did not. They show up in full on business attire: the tailored suit, the wing tip shoes, the briefcases, and the item of the hour....laptop bags, with what I can only assume actually contain laptops in them. They show up and take over the dance floor...and by take over I really just mean stand there, looking like fools, in front of everyone. Please note this is not a late Happy Hour. This is not at 5 or 6pm. This transpires at 10:30pm.

My friends and I immediately notice this walking professional cliche. I, of course, refuse to let this go and motion for the perceived leader of the Laptop Mafia to come over to us. This wasn't difficult, as he and his trusty followers were already looking our way. Darwin's weakest link comes over to the group and starts flirting with us, at which point we interrupt him to ask what prompted his group to bring laptops to the bar. I mean really, tell me you wouldn't be wondering the same thing! Were they going to log on and do some occupationally critical computing while my friends are belting out Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" in the background?? Actually, I'm pretty sure he mutters something about them just getting off work, but nevermind that. We are already more acutely focused on one of the other members of their group. This special individual is snarling at us, yelling something, and throwing his hands up for some reason. I suppose maybe he's a tad offended by our antics. Oops? We direct the Laptop Mafia leader to his crazy friend who is making violent gestures and the leader turns around and asks us if we would like some drinks. Now, I'm all for a cute, successful guy buying me a drink.....but these individuals are not exceptionally attractive, and I'm convinced they are the type of guys that wear professional clothing (complete with accessories) to a bar in order to make themselves appear more successful than they are....because really they live in mom's basement and fling hamburger patties for a living. So, in almost unison, we respond with a resounding "No". I think I can safely say no one in my group regretted the decision of turning down said beverage offer. I did, however, suggest that he run back to his group because it looked like his crazy friend needed a drink. I think everyone behaves slightly more favorably in public when they are at least somewhat medicated, no?

This scenario, of course, reminds me of other instances where I thought I was witnessing a deleted scene from Boiler Room inappropriately set in a bar or restaurant scene. There is no logical reason why someone would need to conduct official business within the confines of a bar, Chili's, Panera, Cosi, or God forbid, a McDonald's. Seriously, do they not have an office? If you are wearing a Brooks Brothers suit, sporting Kenneth Cole shoes, maybe a Rolex watch to accessorize, with a Blue tooth strapped to your ear...I feel as though you might be able to afford to store your professional belongings, such as your laptop and briefcase, in a more appropriate place. And if you are already going to be carrying around a laptop bag or man purse alike, has it completely escaped your attention that you might be able to fit a change of clothes in one of those bags? Just saying.