Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Terry cloth bathrobe, nice pair of earrings, and 1 urban dictionary. Check.

I'm going to tell you a story starring my mother. It might make you laugh, it might make you feel slightly uncomfortable, it might even make you cringe....but it's a true story I will never, ever forget. What's worse is she won't let me forget it.

This little gem of a scenario dates back to the holidays. I'm outside, walking my dogs (ok, they are little white furry squirrels...but technically they're dogs) when my mother calls me. I answer and we start discussing mundane things like what she's making for Thanksgiving dinner, what I should bring to the house for Thanksgiving dinner, what time I'm arriving, if I'm bringing the dogs, and oh yes my personal favorite....what's teabagging?!?!?!?!

Me: (awkward silence) "What?" (I figure if I respond with a question she'll just forget. No dice)

Mom: "Do you know what teabagging is? Is it something gay men do?"

Me: (crickets chirping) "Ummmm where did you hear that phrase?"

Mom: "Oh, from the radio. So can you tell me what it is? Is it something bad?"

Me: "I'd really rather not. Can't you just google it or something?"

Mom: "Ok fine. Well, what is boning? Do you know that one?"

Me: "Oh for Christ sake, where did you hear THAT?"

Mom: "Oh I heard that one from Keeping Up with the Kardashians! Love that show!"

Me: "Uh huh, I'm sure you do...please stop watching it. And start listening to more CDs please."

This conversation definitely goes down in history as one of the most awkward conversations I've ever had with my mother. Silver lining? Oh this definitely made it's way around my family, including BBQs, in different states in a matter of days. Nothing new for them though, I suppose. Several years ago, at a family wedding, my grandmother (we called her Granny Gotrocks...I think the name speaks for itself) came back from the hair salon complaining about how much she had spent on a "f***ing blowjob". Clearly a discrepancy between what she said and what she meant.....but I digress.

So, anywho, back to my mother. Her birthday is coming up, and she has given some suggestions as to what she would like. Among these items are a terry cloth bathrobe and a nice pair of earrings. I will most likely make her happy and get these things, but I'm SERIOUSLY considering purchasing her an urban dictionary as well, should she need to utilize it from time to time. She still asks me for assistance on an assortment of exceptionally awkward vocabulary, and I'd just assume not have these conversations with my mother and have her seek this wealth of knowledge elsewhere. Just saying.

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