Friday, February 26, 2010

Bitchassness 101: Class is in session

This is really for any individuals who deem it necessary to spew homophobic hatred, as well as any other small-minded gems. Below are a few guidelines so that you may be more effective. Afterall, what else are you going to do with your free time while working the french fry line?

1) Do not, I repeat do not, make any attempt to further your education beyond middle or high school....and high school might even be pushing it. If you are currently enrolled in college courses, drop them immediately. You do not want to run the risk of actually obtaining access to other viewpoints other than your own. Once more, you could really do without the enlightenment.

2) Try to learn as many one or two syllable slurs as possible, such as fag, faggot, or homo. Limit this to two syllables, though, as you don't want to hurt yourself. Try to make an effort with broadening your slur vocabulary, so that you don't sound like a broken record when trying to purposely offend an innocent bystander. Your vocabulary probably isn't that expansive at this point anyway, so trust me when I say there will be room.

3) Refrain from befriending strangers. You do not want to run the risk of learning new ways of thinking from a new friend. Plus, you'll need your old friends to constantly reaffirm your viewpoints so that you don't start to doubt yourself. You see, Mr. Homophobia, most individuals that share in your hatred are often suffering from deep rooted insecurities that stem from childhood when their friend's popularity surpassed their own as a result of the friend being smarter, better looking, and most likely better dressed. Clearly, it's not all your fault.

4) Do not EVER seek therapy. This is a crucial keypoint in the thriving of your homophobic behavior. If you ever consult a therapist, you will undoubtedly learn that you are still in a current state of hate for homosexuals and everything they stand before because you are desperately trying to project your own latent homosexual feelings and tendencies onto others. Rest assured, this will not bode well for you.

5) If you come across someone that isn't already aware of your idiocy, and he or she actually sleeps with you.....please please please, for the love of God, use protection. That's all this world needs, is another you.....or worse, multiple yous. Yikes. Perhaps 1 of your 5 friends could offer a condom, or better yet, a loan so you can get sterilized. Nothing like an act of permanence to contribute towards the greater good of society.

Please note that it is never a wise move to openly broadcast your homophobic sickness (though thankfully, not contagious) to the world. You never know who is bearing witness and might promptly schedule a well deserved ass kicking as a result. Just saying.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled program on not being a human being. Asshats.

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